From Zero To 100+: Preparing To Lead And Operate At Scale

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Photo Credit: Maria Semelevich

I’ve had many first hand experiences with the excitement and pain of scale at companies that started out with a few founders and soared to over 100’s or 1000’s of employees. At somewhere around 75-100 employees, there is a shift with leadership, teams and individuals and it’s important to plan for it or at least recognize when it’s happening and try to stay ahead of it. I’ve written the below for the CEO/Founder of an early stage company, but most of my advice can be applied to any leader of a scaling organization, even inside a large corporate entity. 

Leadership At ~100

As a company approaches 100 employees, the reality that it’s time to let go starts to hit its founding leaders. It is simply impossible to be plugged into everything. At this stage, you now are likely managing managers and more than ever have to empower your leaders to, well, lead! They will not always do things the way you do them or as well as you do and there will always be a few select things that you must own and decisions that only you can make, but at this stage if you don’t have the confidence and the right people to get things done without you being involved, you’re in for a rough ride. In fact, it is when founding CEOs don’t learn to step up into their roles and empower their leaders that investors/board members begin to lose confidence in the founding CEO’s ability to operate at scale; these founding CEOs end up getting pushed out/replaced. Here are a few tips in areas I find to be the most challenging at this stage:

  • People: When it comes to employees, there are two areas I see CEO/Founders get tripped up as their companies grow: Hiring and People Management. I am a big believer in staying close to the hiring process for as long as possible in the early stages. In my experience, the first 10-15 employees will set the culture of your company and how you lead them will set the tone for leadership going forward. As you start to bring on more members of your team, however, you can’t hand pick every one. Here’s what I  suggest for approaching hiring:
    • First 20-30 employees – If you have inexperienced managers, review candidate resumes together and establish selection guidelines for what qualifies a candidate for a round of interviews. Be part of the interview and hiring process as much as possible to set expectations on what makes a good hire at your company (even if the hiring managers are experienced) and serve as a role model to managers who will eventually do this themselves. This is also a great opportunity for the early hires to get to know you – especially if this is their first startup – getting to know the CEO/Founder can be a recruiting super power! Also, if hiring in general is new to you, get help from advisors/investors with more experience; books like Who or The Five Dysfunctions of a Team can be helpful, but the art of hiring is a skill that takes practice.
    • 50-100 – This is a transition period where you may sit in candidate reviews for key hires where the team decides whether to make an offer or not and why. Your role is not necessarily the decision maker, but rather to offer guidance and mentorship to the team on how to decide. You may interview the candidates at this stage too, but I suggest this be to either A) help a junior manager resolve concerns they have about the candidate or probe more deeply on areas where they feel less experienced, and B) to help close a candidate and sell them on the business and its potential.
    • 100+ – Let go! If guidelines are not set at this point (manifests as bad culture or heavy voluntary or involuntary attrition), then you need to rework the wheel with your hiring team. Otherwise, it’s time to set your team free to make the right calls for their teams’ needs. At this stage – other than your direct hires – you are only on-call as needed for key hires. For example, when VMware was nearing 800 employees, our founding CEO Diane Green was on standby to interview me for the first non-Palo Alto leadership role; both to assess my abilities for the role and to sell me on taking it (and I’m so glad she did!)

      For the people management side of things, consider the following:

    • 0-20 – Early on, just like hiring for the first time, you may be learning how to manage people for the first time. Get help with this and don’t try to figure it out yourself. You will spend more working hours than you ever imagined learning how to navigate people things while running your business, fundraising, etc. Hire a coach or find friends with management experience and lean on them. Read as much as you can and listen to podcasts like Reboot or Masters of Scale. Put your ego aside! Managing is hard, never mind learning how to do it when you’re also trying to launch a company!
    • 20-30+ – The best practice for team size is eight (recently termed the “two-pizza team rule” by Jeff Bezos) . If you’re reaching a point where you have more than 8 people working directly for you or for anyone who works for you, it’s time to scale out a management team. Ideally, bring in some managers who know how to manage vs. promoting all from within. I like to build teams with a balance of each to allow growth within the company but also to have role models and mentors for those who are growing. 
    • 30+ – As you start to have managers working for you, you need to trust them as leaders of their own teams and, similar to setting the hiring guidelines, your job is to set the people-management guidelines. How does one lead at your company? How do you give feedback? How do you establish an inclusive culture, develop employees and create a great place to work? Your job is to make sure these questions are answered and managers in your organization have the support and tools (compensation/equity budgets, training, systems) to manage to these guidelines. A big mistake I see companies at this stage make is waiting too long to hire people experts – both HR and experienced recruiters who get the startup to scale scene. Money invested in these roles early will save you tons of time and money as you scale. The serial entrepreneurs and co-founders of Drift hired their lead people-person as one of their first 5 hires; they learned from past mistakes!
    • Bonus tip: Every early stage CEO/Founder I know is shocked to realize the power they wield. Even if you consider yourself to be “one of the people”, everything you say and do is more impactful that you can imagine. A simple eye roll in a meeting could make a subordinate think they’re about to get fired. A “great job” on a new idea proposal could be heard as an OK or even a directive to proceed. You are powerful and potentially dangerous! This means tread lightly. If you do skip-levels (talk to employees of managers that report to you), never be directive and use the time to listen, only. If you like an idea, tell them, but make it clear it’s something they should discuss with their manager. If you are unhappy with an employee that reports to one of your managers, bring it up with the manager and put yourself in their shoes when you think about how to help them with this employee. This can be especially hard if some of these employees used to work for you directly before you hired their manager, but just imagine if your investor or board member went straight to someone who works for you and told them to do something or that they were poor performers. How would that make you feel? Be empathetic and manage your power carefully.
  • Product: If you’re a product-centered CEO/Founder (vs. say. Marketing- or Sales-centered), the thought of stepping too far away from product details probably sounds frightening! That said, if you have to be part of every discovery session, design review and test of products or features before they release, your company will never get anything done – or learn how to do it at scale. I have seen countless teams at a standstill waiting for the CEO to review their latest product designs because she was out fundraising or handling 27 other fires that needed to be distinguished. Don’t let this happen! Here’s how to avoid it:
    • As early as you can in your company’s lifetime, articulate your company’s True North and product guardrails and evangelize it like crazy to a point where it’s in the DNA of the company. The True North may evolve as the company matures, but keeping it clear and not wavering too often is critical. When I was the CTO at DigitalOcean, our true north was to empower developers to build great software and our guardrail was simplicity. If something new was being proposed and wasn’t to help developers build great software, and/or how it was designed wasn’t simple, it wouldn’t get on the roadmap. It’s the CEO/Founders’ and their leadership team’s job to make sure this is clear to every employee, and if it changes, why.
    • Establish a high level product roadmap that extends no more than 12-18 months; you have no idea how your product(s) or the market will evolve beyond that. Keep it at the broad strokes level – major products or epics within product lines and with clear, measurable, outcomes. Your job is to set the tone at the top and at under 100 employees you can stay pretty close to the details, but once teams get bigger, you will rely on this roadmap and the measurable outcomes to both track performance but also empower your teams to execute. As the company scales towards 100+, you will shift from attending routine product meetings and reading PRDs or briefs to trusting that your team knows what to build and can map it to the high level roadmap. If the roadmap changes over time, so will their work. Just don’t thrash too much – it takes time for new ideas to flourish or major product changes to make an impact. Patience is important here!
    • Once you have a decently sized product team (20+), you must have great product leaders and designers on your team. At this point, your time will more likely spent getting customer feedback and downloading it to your team, brainstorming new ideas and/or selling what you have. It’s OK to have a passion area that you must stay close to – perhaps a new innovation or a unique, personal area of interest, but the bottom line is…let your team execute!
  • Process: Quite simply, as you scale you must focus your attention away from the how and towards the what. At less than 100 employees, you will be thinking about the how related to all aspects of the business (many noted above, but also how to manage funds, manufacturing/shipping if applicable, payroll, insurance…the list is endless!). As you scale and hire experts in these areas, the goal is to let go and empower them to decide the how. Your job is to make the desired outcomes clear. Outcomes are not just financial either – everything from the culture of your company, the reputation of your products/services, and your brand is for you to make clear. As a mom who still shudders every time one of my kids borrows the car, I like to use the teen getting their license metaphor here:
    • 0-30 employees = learner’s permit in-hand, understands the basics, but still needs close supervision/training
    • 30-75 = passed driving test, but still on probation. Can’t drive during certain hours (equivalent to making all decisions solo), still needs some oversight.
    • 100+ = capable of borrowing the car for a weekend road trip with friends. Hand over the keys!

If your leaders feel like you won’t give them the keys, that you are back seat driving, or feel that you’re monitoring their every move, you will not establish trust or allow them to move your company forward. Also worth noting, creating this type of toxic, micromanagement culture of leadership can be a large contributor to CEO/Founder burnout as you try to manage “all the things”. 

Teams and Individuals at ~100

I’m going to keep this part simple. The bottom line is that there are people on your team that will grow beautifully as the business grows and there are those who just don’t do well in a mature environment. Some tips on how to stay ahead of this:

  • DNA: I’ve seen too many talented people become poor performers once a company started to scale simply because they did not have big-company DNA or because the company did not ensure they were in roles where they could continue to thrive. Think about who on your team has real startup DNA – do they thrive with ambiguity and constant change? Are they scrappy and just get stuff done, even though it may not be polished and perfect, but keep the ball moving forward? Do they break the rules in a good way? Now, what happens as your company grows and there’s more complexity in the business and/or more structure? Will they resent the bureaucracy? Will they refuse to be managed or adopt the “special snowflake” attitude that they know better because they’ve been there longest, have an “in” with the founder or have more equity? OR…will they rise to the challenges that come with growth, respect the structure and be seen as the guru among the team? Pay attention to your early hires as they and the company grows. If you see signs of trouble, decide whether there’s a better way for them to contribute without losing them OR decide it may be time to part ways – the company has outgrown them.

    I once had a talented engineer on my team at VMware who was a great prototyper, but not very strong when it came to writing production-level code. Each time we tried to have him follow a project from experimentation to production phases, he would be miserable trying to follow a structured process and the product leads would complain constantly about his attitude and the quality of his work. I was able to carve out a prototyping role for him on my team so we could keep experimenting with new ideas and he could remain happy and productive at the company. Sometimes you can make these things work, but when you can’t, consider how much time you may be wasting trying to force a situation that’s just not going to turn around. Often, the best course of action for those with startup DNA is to go find a new startup and if you can help them get there, even better!
  • To Lead OR Not To Lead: Pay attention to first-time managers who hate (or are bad at) managing, but took on the role as your company grew. Some early hires are put into a management role because of budget/hiring constraints that hate it OR that wanted to be a leader, but were really better suited as an individual contributor (IC). Put a process in place at your company at allows upward mobility in both specialist and management tracks and allow them to move between each. Make that a positive thing vs. having someone take an ego hit or be viewed as a failure for giving one or the other a try. In the early days at VMware, we had such fluidity when it came to people trying manager roles (or stepping into one while we tried to find a permanent hire) and either thriving or deciding it wasn’t for them. No shame, they learned, and were always welcomed back as an IC – in fact, several of them from the early days are now in some of the most senior IC roles at the company. The worst is when you lose a great IC who was a bad manager. By the way, I’ve also seen great leaders try to go back to coding/IC roles with mixed success. Point is, ensure you and your team are in the right roles and are given opportunities to be excellent.
  • Cross-team Dynamics: As the company grows, not only are new teams forming and new managers leading, but there can also be cross-team dynamics that create tension in the company. Most common, product and engineering teams being misaligned or sales/marketing/support challenges. Pay attention to how these interdependent teams interact and make sure your team leaders are as passionate about how they partner and collaborate with their peers as they are about how their own teams perform. Ensure fiefdoms don’t form and resolve any rifts between teams as soon as you suspect there’s an issue. These issues can be toxic and destroy what may have been a humming organization when it was smaller.
  • Compensation & Incentives: As the company grows, so must employees’ careers, compensation and incentives. Be thoughtful about salary structures early on and be mindful that haphazardly compensating new hires early on or bumping people up to retain them will undoubtedly create a need to recalibrate everyone’s compensation down the road. The recalibration process is PAINFUL.

    Remember, employees are motivated by three major things: The work they do, the people they do it with and fair compensation for that work. Throwing money or an unearned fancy new title at an unhappy employee will not retain them if the work they do is uninspiring, if they don’t live up to the expectations of the unearned new role and/or the people they work with are not enjoyable. These quick fixes are temporary. Similarly, beer on Fridays or a foosball table in the office is not as compelling an incentive as are equity refreshes and opportunities to take part in new product work or the chance to work with an industry luminary (or letting a poor performing/toxic peer go). Consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs when it comes to your employees: They need the foundational basics (a desk, computer…), they need to feel safe (steady income, a health plan), loved (great co-workers & managers) and to self-actualize (assigned interesting work, able to reach career goals, achieving wealth to reach personal goals or making a social impact).
  • Human impact of hypergrowth: Finally, people don’t always grow as fast as their companies and can easily burn out or perform poorly if you’re scaling at hypergrowth speed. The best write up on this particular topic is Khalid Halim’s post for FirstRound. I also wrote a brief piece on how hypergrowth of teams can slow down an organization, here.

Scaling a company can be both exciting and daunting. If you’ve never experienced this journey, it can also catch you by surprise when things start to go wrong. The best recipe is managed growth, with an experienced team, getting help from experts and being thoughtful as you scale.

Got other tips on managing at scale? Please share in the comments!

Reflecting On The Intersectionality Of Today’s Pressing Issues

I was so moved at tonight’s event at The Wing in SoHo that I had to write. In the spirit of the anniversary of Stonewall, we had an extremely thoughtful panel of rockstars:

  • Cecilia Gentili – Transgender activist, actor and someone who speaks with deep empathy from countless experiences throughout her lifetime.
  • E.M. Eisen-Markowitz  – Restorative (and Transformative) Justice Coordinator and public school teacher.
  • Wazina Zondon – Founder of Coming Out Muslim and sexuality educator.
  • Alex Berg – Panel moderator, and journalist covering national news, women’s issues, and LGBTQ+ culture. 

My twenty year-old daughter, who has been openly queer from a young age, joined me tonight as my guest. As we walked home, we processed key points from the discussion. A few worth noting:

  • We are privileged white women and we and our family, friends, colleagues, etc. are not doing enough to support real change in this country for the LGBTQ+ community. Putting strong light on the issue and companies changing logos and decorating storefronts to rainbows a few weeks a year is not enough. It’s a conversation and action that needs to happen every single day.
  • The majority of people who are speaking up and fighting for change are putting themselves at risk ahead of those of us who can afford to take real risk. Reflecting on Stonewall, Cecilia highlighted that it was the white privileged professionals who ran from the scene and the less privileged crowd that put their lives at stake to fight back – people who could not afford bail money if arrested or perhaps survive if they were to be imprisoned. 
  • Wazina gave us pause around how we’ve been talking about reproductive rights. This is an intersectional issue, not just a white feminist issue or about who can tell whom what they can do with their own bodies, it’s also a parenting issue: who is ready to be a parent and what that means (emotionally, physically and economically). I applaud her for the work she’s doing with young people around this and other important health, identity and sexuality issues.
  • EM spoke of transformative justice inside schools to change the narrative and behavior vs. the crazy spend in NYC schools to police the problem (over $700M/year!). This is an important issue well beyond our city schools. We need to transform society.
  • On D&I and hiring, we heard stories of companies seeking to be inclusive that are not removing barriers to allow a diverse pool of candidates to apply simply by creating exhaustive list of requirements in the JD (see more of my thoughts on this here). Provide training, mentorship and tuition reimbursement for applicants who have the aptitude and lack the experience. Make it happen vs. complaining “we can’t find the ‘right’ candidates”.
  • Finally, know your political candidates positions and vote for those who understand these issues and are motivated to take action. Now more than ever, we need the right people in office.

I’m definitely going to think deeply about how I can make a bigger impact on these points and take action; with my voice, my dollars and my body if I have to. I suggest everyone else do the same – educate yourselves, open your minds and take action. 

Thank you to the events team at The Wing for organizing this evening! My only constructive feedback (‘cuz you know I have it!) is that there were not nearly enough of your members there or PR around it. We can do better.

Are You Being Strategic About Hiring?

If I had a nickel for every time I get an email or text asking if I know any full stack developers for hire, I could cover the cost of my next trip to SF. I’m also struck by the number of founders who say they’re raising more money simply because they need more engineers to code, yet they do not have a good hiring strategy.

For decades, there have been books and articles about building engineering teams. The infamous book The Mythical Man Month, by Fred Brooks should be on every software engineer and tech startup leader’s reading list (It should also be re-titled either “The Mythical Person Month” OR “Nine women can’t make a baby in one month”…just sayin’). There are also many blog posts explaining why full stack engineers are unicorns. Yet, when I did my latest poll on twitter on top hiring priorities this is the response:

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Sure, it’s fine to look for a generalist [or augmenting your team with an outsourced dev shop] to get basic stuff done, but being more strategic about your hiring process, is what could be the difference between a great product in the market vs. something basic that is slow to ship. Below are some tips on how to be more strategic about hiring:

  • Product prioritization leads to hiring prioritization: If you’re doing proper product prioritization via discovery – talking with customers and understanding what you need to get to product market fit or grow adoption – then these priorities set the hiring agenda. For example, if you’re realizing that your on-boarding process is too complicated, then hiring a User Experience (UX) person may serve you far better than someone who can code a fresh UI. If performance issues are causing churn, then hire a performance engineer; someone who knows how to diagnose and fix performance issues. Just like you are building a product to solve for the job to be done, hire the engineer for the development job to be done. 
  • Understand the roles: Do you understand the difference between a front end developer vs. designer vs. UX expert? (if you don’t, read this) Are you fluent enough in your architecture to know what type of engineer should be building which elements of your product? Many early stage companies are started by engineers who know exactly what they’re doing, but many are biased in the areas of which they are most familiar, even if that is the suboptimal choice for their current products. I’ve seen products built with .NET simply because the seasoned engineer-founder knows that platform best, without considering whether it is the best platform for their product and/or whether they’ll be able to hire engineers who are skilled in .NET (or want to learn it) to build it at scale. I’ve also seen many startups default to the language of choice for the full stack engineer they found to build their first prototype and then let that language dictate future work as their product gets market fit and scales. This rarely works out, unless that first engineer is a ringer, and most of the time the reality of having to refactor your entire codebase or port to a new language hangs over the product team…forever. 
  • Long term need vs. short term fix: Another common mistake is hiring a full time expert in an area that only needs occasional work. E.g., Performance engineering. Certainly, if you’re building a complex, distributed, application that has heavy computation or many API calls, then a performance engineer is a critical full time hire. However, it may behoove you to find a good contract engineer who specializes in performance tuning as needed; at least until you’re operating at scale. Same thing for a designer – unless you’re at scale and adding new features/products at a steady clip, then a contract designer may be prudent while you iterate on your MVP. You may pay a little more per hour for these contractors, but that far outweighs over hiring and paying a full time salary early on. 
  • Time Delay + J-curve: Just because you have cash in hand to hire, doesn’t mean you will find and hire the right people right away AND each time you add a new person to the team, there will likely be a j-curve impact on productivity.
    Screen Shot 2019-06-03 at 1.47.59 PM.png
    Therefore, when you prioritize hiring, factor in how long* some roles will take to fill (e.g., we don’t need a designer for a few months, but it could take three months just to find the right person) and be thoughtful about the cadence of adding new people to any team. Adding a bunch of new engineers at once is not going to accelerate development over night. Each time a new person comes on board, it’s disruptive to team’s flow – and this is not just about training them. It disrupts the whole
    dynamic of the team. If you’re doing a lot of hiring over a discrete period of time, set the right expectations (with yourself, your company and your investors) that a ramp in hiring will likely slow things down until new teams settle into new norms. If the ramp is constant, by the way, your teams will never settle into a groove leading to employee dissatisfaction, high turnover, product delays, etc.

    *This delay should also be considered in the budget exercise for these roles. Don’t front-load salary expenses for open jobs that may take weeks or months to fill. 
  • Humans are not robots: Hiring is hard, and even when you get really good at it, at the end of the day these hires are human beings that have their own unique needs, past-job baggage and career aspirations. Their added productivity, how they diversify and/or add to your culture is only part of the consideration. Having a strategy to prioritize manager, team time and money for their human needs (benefits, HR support, a strong on-boarding experience, ongoing training and mentorship, etc.) is just as important as having a strategy to prioritize these hires! 
  • Apply the 80-20 rule: A great product leader will tell you that if you invest 80% of effort to understand the problem, it should result in 20% effort to build the right solution. The same applies to hiring. If you take 80% of your effort to develop a great hiring strategy and program, it should lead to 20% of the effort to bring great people on board and retain them for the long term. 

There’s a severe opportunity cost that comes with bringing on the wrong people and/or at the wrong time and not having the right people programs in place. Even if you are a tiny early stage company, having to let someone go, or having them quit, and finding a replacement not only stresses out the manager and team, but there is a productivity hit to all while you go through the process. Even though it may feel like you’re moving slowly through the process of building a team, a strategic approach will pay off.

You can read more about my thoughts on hiring for startups here. Please share other ideas on this topic in the comments!

Beyond Their Funds, How Can Your Investors Be Helpful?

An entrepreneur recently said to me “When it gets really hard, I feel like I’m doing it wrong.” She went on to say that sometimes she’s not sure how her investors could be helpful — even if it’s just validating what’s hard vs. advising on how to work through certain challenges. I’ve heard other entrepreneurs say they’d like to get help from their investors but worry that purely by asking for help it will signal a weakness. Conversely, I’ve heard investors say they wish the leaders of their portfolio companies would be more transparent about challenges they are facing and ask for help. As one investor said to me recently, “They already sold me on the business and have our money. It’s now our firm’s job to help them succeed.”

In an informal Twitter poll I recently conducted, 56% of entrepreneurs who responded said their most common ask of their investors is for hiring help. Second to that (31%) are asks for introductions to potential partners or customers and a small percentage (13%) tap their investors for financial management advice.

I also polled my investor friends on what questions they like to get from their portfolio companies. What they shared made it clear to me that they can and want to be helpful well beyond their funds!

“Good entrepreneurs are learning machines so they’re always asking for advice and guidance from multiple sources of expertise, including their investors. In fact, the best founders are outstanding at squeezing every bit of insight, advice and contacts from their network of investors and advisers.“ Jeff Bussgang, Flybridge Capital

Do you know how to get the most from your investors? Below, I have outlined what I consider to be basic asks (table stakes) as well as suggestions for deeper asks.

What To Ask For

Hiring

Table Stakes:

  • Referrals and warm introductions
  • Posting job links on their websites
  • Invitations to recruiting events

Beyond the Basics:

  • Seek examples of job descriptions (JDs) and/or critiques of those you’ve written. Most investors were operators once and have a good sense of how to write a good JD; they may also have a recruiting arm at their firm who can counsel you on specific searches. [See point on compensation in Financials, below]
  • New to hiring? Practice interviewing candidates with investors or their associates before bringing actual candidates in for the real interview.
  • Resume screening can be an easy ask and a quick job for someone who’s seen 100’s if not 1000’s of resumes. Experienced eyes can point out immediate red flags and give you specific areas you may want to probe for a particular candidate.
  • Invite an investor to help diversify an otherwise homogeneous interview team. This can be a game changer for a candidate who may otherwise feel like they are a token hire. Knowing the extended team around the business is diverse, can allay these concerns.
  • Ask your investors to help sell the business to prospective candidates. This can be especially critical if you’re trying to hire a senior team member or a start-up first-timer.

    “This is something we continue to do, even with mid-level hires in mid-stage companies when the founder feels like a highly desirable candidate could use an extra push. It’s not a huge burden on our side, but can have a very strong positive impression on the candidate who probably feels like getting board/investor visibility is a strong positive in their career development. “ Rob Go, NextView Ventures

  • Investors can also be helpful offering insights on how your company is perceived as a workplace from their own perspective or from feedback they’ve garnered in the market. (people talk…)
  • Finally, but very carefully, investors may be able to help you get backdoor references on potential hires. I wrote more about this particular topic here. Backdoor references can be helpful, but only if done right!

Marketing, Sales & Partnerships

Table Stakes:

  • Introductions to potential customers and/or partners
  • Putting your company logo on their website; putting their firm’s logo/board member on your website
  • Invitations to marketing & sales events
  • Tapping their social media presence for sharing news and events

Beyond the Basics:

  • Investors look at markets all day, every day, and have an objective perspective on not just current market forces, but patterns over time and how markets move and customers buy. They may not know your specific market details or the intimate buying patterns of your target customer, but as Bob Mason of Project11 says “We often ask the right questions informed by our opportunity to step out of the day to day urgency of running the business. We have enough knowledge to understand the big market forces, see patterns from other businesses and can help drive an engaged dialogue. For the engineering-centric founders, you can think about this as ‘debugging’ an issue. When coding, you might bang your head for hours trying to find the root cause of a hard bug. But you bring over a colleague and talk through the situation and often a solution will appear. They didn’t tell you the answer, but the process of conversation brought insight to your mind.”
  • Whether you are building an enterprise product and need access to a buyer inside a potential large customer or trying to develop partnerships for your business (B2B or B2C), investors can provide invaluable insights on what drives particular companies, who the “real” decision makers are and how their buy/partnership process works. They can reach out to execs at companies and get an early feel as to how important such a potential deal or relationship could be.
  • Investors are generally good at analyzing marketing or sales funnels. If they are former marketers or sales people, they should be able to help you understand the “magic moment”, points of stickiness, drop off, etc.. They also won’t have the biases you likely bring to the table and can look at the numbers objectively.
  • Investors can be helpful with developing your company and product story as well as speak with folks in the industry to see how the story resonates.
  • Beyond offering advice on digital marketing and leveraging social media, your investors may also be helpful with brand awareness and offer PR opportunities. Perhaps they are sponsoring an event where you or a key member of your team can be a speaker? If one of your investors is a blogger, ask for a mention in their next blog post about a topic you’ve been discussing, or perhaps even a guest blog spot. Be creative about how your investors can help shine a light on your brand, product and team!

Product

Table Stakes:

  • If they can use your product as a firm or as individuals, they better be using it! Whether it’s for testing the MVP or to dogfood the brand, no excuses. There’s nothing more compelling than an investor who offers you a cup of coffee made with one of their portfolio company’s new beans or the investor who has a “powered by” one of their companies on their website. Have you asked your investors to use your product?
  • When asked (or not), investors never lack for advice on how your product can improve. Just remember, you are in it every day, they are not. So, always weigh that advice against what your team is discovering with your customers and progress accordingly.

Beyond the Basics:

  • If your investor is a former operator, especially at an early stage company, odds are they have built/tested many an MVP. Engage them in the MVP discussion. Review product priorities and test plans. Again, their objectivity and experience could give you a fresh perspective. This will also help them understand the tradeoff decisions you are making and can be very informative when it comes to strategic thinking about the company’s product roadmap and long term direction.
  • Speaking of roadmaps, if you’ve got a former head of product or VPE on your investor team, invite them to a planning session. Same reasons as above — fresh perspective and added insight when it comes to bigger picture discussions.
  • Security and compliance is an area often overlooked and where investors can probably draw on their own or other resources to ensure your company doesn’t get tripped up on a sale or regulatory issue because an “I” was not dotted or “T” crossed. They may have access to pen testers or be familiar with compliance requirements for things like PIAHIPPA or SOX through other portfolio companies’ experiences; even if it’s just asking when to worry about it vs. holding off on investing in this work.
  • Also helpful is tapping investors’ technical EiRs and/or network. When I was CTO at DigitalOcean, it was amazing to have someone like Martin Casado at a16z, our lead investor, to bounce ideas off of and even help us with some tricky architecture decisions. Similarly, my friend Jocelyn Goldfein of Zetta Venture Partners said she’s often tapped by her portfolio companies to help with developing data strategies and answer questions about data rights. Know who the experts are in these firms and they’ll probably love the opportunity to get into the details with you since it’s no longer their day job.

People

Table Stakes:

  • If they are involved with financial planning, investors should be helpful with basic headcount and organizational growth plans (what roles to fill, how many and when)
  • Investors are generally not shy about telling you (sometimes unsolicited) if they think a key employee they are interacting with is great, needs coaching or may not be successful in your organization. Just remember, if you have a board, other than the CEO, they don’t make hiring or firing decisions. That’s your job.

Beyond the Basics:

  • Whether they were former operators, or have just seen a large number of companies operate, investors can give helpful insight around people and culture. You can ask how to work through team challenges, enhance your company culture or even how to make remote teams work. If they’re not the experts in these areas, they likely have companies in their portfolios who are doing creative things or who maybe learned from mistakes and are willing to share tips and tricks to avoid pitfalls as you scale.
  • While it may make you feel vulnerable, asking your investors for guidance around your own personal development demonstrates your willingness to grow — especially if you are a first-time CEO, or other member of the C-Suite. I’ve seen investors coach leaders on everything from how to lead their teams and handle challenging employees to how to run a great board meeting. I’ve also seen investors support and sometimes even pay for executive coaches and training programs for high-potential leaders.

    “Drop your shields, if you think asking for advice or help from your investors is showing signs of weakness you have it all wrong. Your investors are by definition already on your side and any problem you are facing or any area of growth where you think they may be able to contribute to or connect you to someone who can be helpful, go for it. I want leaders to ask me ‘what am I doing wrong, where can I level up?’” Reed Sturtevant, The Engine

  • Beyond headcount and budgets, investors with experience leading teams at scale can be very helpful with how to think about organizational design through various stages of growth. Investors can also have a really good sense of leveling across organizations and have seen a lot of creative approaches used across companies.

Financials

Table Stakes:

  • Investment checks
  • Future rounds  —  financing strategy, valuation, etc.

Beyond the Basics:

  • It’s never too soon to get “budget religion”, especially if you have a capital-intensive business where you need to figure out working capital, financing with manufacturing, etc.. Ask for guidance on how best to manage your funds as well as how to track burn and prepare data for future financing to make the diligence process easier for new investors. They may even have models or frameworks other portfolio companies use that you can borrow.
  • Not sure whether your compensation packages are competitive or fair? Or how to think about equity vs. salary splits? Comping your sales team? Your investors have probably seen many different configurations and can help you get creative if you’re trying to land a key hire or to retain and motivate your current team.
  • Other financial areas where investors can be helpful are ways to think about marketing spend as a ratio of investment in engineering or sales/revenue, pricing models and tax considerations.

In all of the above cases, if your investors can’t help you directly, odds are very high that they know someone who can. Good investors won’t expect you, especially if you are a first-time founder, to figure it out all by yourself. For me personally, I always appreciate the humility that comes from anyone who knows what they don’t know and asks for help. It is impossible for anyone to know everything!

How To Ask

There are three ways I think every founder should interact with their investors outside of board meetings (if you have them).

  1. Investor update emails are always a good vehicle for asks. If you’re not sure if anyone on the investment team can be helpful, be specific: “Looking for advice on digital marketing strategies.” or “Would love to talk with someone in your network who can advise my team on HIPPA compliance.”.
  2. Routine 1:1 calls or meetings are a must. This establishes a good touchpoint with investors to establish a rapport and catch up informally instead of waiting for a crisis or issue to arise as a reason for a call. I suggest you always have at least one ask for these meetings and always follow up with a quick email with that ask in writing.
  3. Identify at least one domain area where each investor may serve you best (e.g., I am usually the go-to person for product & engineering or organizational planning for my angel investments and advisees). When the needs arise, set up face-time to dig into that specific topic with that investor.

Remember, your investors are not just here to provide cash. They are invested in you and your company’s success. As Jason Seats of TechStars says, when in doubt, “pretend that they are not an investor and figure out what you’d ask them. If you can’t come up with anything, they may not be a good investor for you.” This can also be a nice hack around targeting the right investors from the start.

Have other examples of ways your investors have been helpful beyond their funds? Please share in the comments.

 

Go Big, Or Go…Startup

big Fish Little Fish

Image source unknown

A common career advice question I get all the time is what the tradeoffs are between going to a startup vs. going to a big company. There are many things to consider and lots of “it depends” when it comes to where you are in your career, where you live etc., but when it comes to the general aspects of a startup vs. mature company, most of the situations don’t vary that much. I’ve done both, several times, so here’s a perspective on the tradeoffs based on my own experiences.

Startup vs. Mature Company

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(c) 2018 Julia B Austin

Putting aside for a moment industry and how you feel about the products the company is building (both of which are very important!), most of the differences between a startup vs. a mature company are pretty obvious. In a mature company, you will likely have more role models to learn from and stronger teams to collaborate with, a clear direction and a mature board. The role you consider may have a narrow scope, but could offer deeper learning and of course great benefits, compensation, etc.. You’ll also get exposure to what good (or bad) looks like at scale and possibly a nice brand for your resume.

Startups can offer a chance to do “all the things” which can be either a blessing or a curse depending on your interests. You may miss out on having peers to collaborate with, have to look outside of your company for mentors and role models or have limited budget to get stuff done, but you may get high value equity in exchange for lower than market-level pay. If you want to dig more into deciding which startup to join, I suggest Jeff Bussgang’s book Entering Startupland which goes deep on the different roles at startups and how to get your foot in the door.

Leadership

One thing often overlooked when considering a new job is the leadership of the company. Serial entrepreneurs will have a very different approach than someone who has limited real-world experience and mature company executive teams can be world class or “legacy” leaders who can’t move with the times. There are many tradeoffs when factoring in leadership into the decision process of startup vs. a mature company.

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(c) 2018 Julia B Austin

Startup founded by serial entrepreneurs: This can often be the best case scenario if you want to learn from those who have “seen the movie before”. They likely had no issue raising money and were selective on who their investors were and who sits on their board. They will know how to get the flywheel moving incited by past mistakes OR failures.

“When I started my fifth company I knew exactly how I wanted to build the team. So, on day one I hired a head of recruiting to get things off to a strong start. I also knew market adoption would be critical to fundraising so focused on growth very early on – before we even had a product!” – David Cancel, CEO & Co-Founder Drift

Serial entrepreneurs may also try to overcorrect in areas where they failed the first time, such as over analyzing or delaying decisions, being too conservative on cash flow or focusing too much on scalability too early in the product development process. If you’re interviewing with a serial entrepreneur, it’s always good to ask what lessons they learned in their last startup and how they’re bringing those lessons into their new venture.

“I joined Drift in part because I wanted to learn from the experience of the co-founders. They’ve seen it before so they anticipate issues, they know when (and how) to hire experts to level up the team, and they know what’s “normal” for a hypergrowth company. It’s the best of both worlds: you get the rollercoaster startup experience with some of the more measured leadership and strategic characteristics of a bigger company.” – Maggie Crowley, Product Manager Drift

Industry veterans doing their first startup: Founders coming from mature companies with no startup experience can have big company confidence, be great at hiring and leading teams, but lack scrappiness to get a Minimum Viable Product (MVP) out the door and work towards product market fit.

“At our first startup after a series of roles at large enterprise software companies, we tried to force a big company perspective on how we did employee feedback and reviews. We were too structured with this initially and quickly cut back to a more loose feedback and review process with our team.” Izzy Azeri & Dan Belcher, Co-Founders Mabl

They may also be too used to having teams of people and systems in place to cover the more mundane duties of running a company and don’t want to get their hands dirty. On the flip side, they often know how to implement those processes and know the people to hire to run them so once the flywheel is moving and cash is in-hand, they can get momentum quickly.

“Earlier in my career, I hired a small team within a large corporation that was scrappy and had entrepreneurial mentality. At my startup, I quickly realized the benefit of once having a corporation behind me when things weren’t working out. The impact of a bad decision or process was much greater with no safety net.” – Karen Young, CEO & Founder Oui Shave

Startup with limited leadership experience: Working with a skilled group of founders leading teams for the first time can be tons of fun. If you bring some experience to the table, it can be very gratifying to not only work from the ground up, but also work alongside these founders as they grow. However, it can be frustrating if you find yourself figuring out things on your own because there’s no one in the company to mentor you. These situations can be very rewarding if you’re patient and you can always get outside mentors and advisors if they’re not available at this type of startup.

“When we started, we got a lot of advice like: stay focused, don’t expand too quickly, be careful that experienced hires match your culture.  All good advice, but we discovered there’s no real substitute for learning the hard way. The lesson just doesn’t sink in until you feel the pain of doing it wrong.” Wombi Rose, CEO & Co-Founder LovePop

Mature company with inexperienced leadership: If they made it this far, they are either wicked smart, lucky or both! More likely they also have surrounded themselves with strong, experienced leaders, investors and/or board members. You can learn a lot from joining a company like this, but they are very, very rare! When companies scale too fast, they can also suffer from having people in roles that have outgrown their experience. Read more about the impact of Hypergrowth situations written by my friend at Reboot, Khalid Halim, for First Round.

Mature companies with experienced leadership: These organizations have all the standard things you’d expect. Probably more politics and process than you’d ever find at a startup, but the benefit of exposure to great role models and best practices can be invaluable. Sometimes, these bigger companies can also expose you to the “dark side” of leadership and processes which are also great learnings on what not to do in your next job or company you may start yourself.

Which comes first in your journey?

For those doing early career path planning and knowing they want to do both a startup and a mature company at some point, there’s always the question of which should come first. Hiring managers at early stage companies can get “spooked” when they see someone with too much time (5+ years) at mature companies; questioning whether the candidate will be able to transition to startup life. Not that it’s impossible, but it’s something to consider. For these candidates, I suggest highlighting any scrappy “ground zero” work they may have done at their companies to demonstrate they can handle ambiguity and take risks. I am also a huge (and very biased) fan of people who’ve joined companies early and scaled with them. They have learned a TON from those experiences and can often start scrappy, but know how to operate at scale. Win-win.

Conversely, someone with a lot of startup experience may have a hard time adjusting to mature company. A hiring manager at a mature company may question whether a candidate with only startup experience can handle a slower pace or won’t know how to navigate a complex organizational structure that requires political and communication savvy. You may have to sacrifice title and maybe some salary to get a foot into larger institutions who may view your past role, which may have been very senior at a startup, to being pretty junior if those around you have decades more experience. However, I always find those with startup experience can be invaluable to a team that needs to be shaken up, take more risks or explore new ground. Often, those who sacrifice title and pay when they joined, make it up fast as they move up the chain in a larger organization.

There’s no right or wrong place to start. A lot depends on how you define your skills and how willing and patient you are in either case to adjust. Much can depend on who hires you and their management philosophy. I’ve seen some people bounce between both types of situations over and over, some that just can’t handle startup life, and others who have startups in their DNA and should just stick with that world 🙂

“At a startup, every job matters and you can see almost daily that you are creating something that wasn’t there before. You have the ability to learn quickly and have a fast feedback loop to let you know how you’re doing. It’s very different working at an established company vs a startup, but you can learn a lot at both – you’ll just learn very different things.” – Rebecca Liebman, CEO & Co-Founder LearnLux

Questions To Ask

Regardless of whether you are a seasoned veteran or fresh out of school, as you ponder whether you want to join a startup or a mature company here are some final things to consider:

  • What tools do you want to add to your toolbox? Will the role allow you to hone skills you already have or add new ones?
  • Who do you want to learn from, and how do you want to learn? You can learn from experienced colleagues and mentors, but having bad role models can also teach you a lot about what not to do. Similarly, if you are an experienced hire coming into a company started by inexperienced founders, you may want to learn by mentoring or teaching these young leaders. Taking the skills you’ve developed over your career and applying them to a new situation in itself can be a very enlightening experience.
  • Who do you want to work with? How important is the size and culture of the team you’ll work with? Remember, you’ll probably spend more waking hours of the day with these people than anyone else in your life – regardless of the size and nature of the company you join.
  • What do you value? At the end of the day, love what you do and decide what role will allow you to maintain the integrity of who you are and who you aspire to be!

Do you have other tips on how to decide whether to join a startup vs. a mature company? Please share in the comments!

Mastering The Team Meeting

No matter how much we hate going to meetings, there’s a generally accepted best practice that teams should meet with their manager as a group on a regular cadence. More often than not, I hear leaders and/or their staff dreading their team meeting. Instead of these meetings being the least favorite time suck of the week, wouldn’t it be great if these were the meetings we looked forward to? That we felt it was time well spent with our colleagues and added value to our roles in some meaningful way?

There’s no reason you have to suffer or make your teams suffer through another tortuous hour or more. A while back, I shared protips on Mastering the 1:1. Now, herewith my tips on Mastering the team meeting…

Meeting Purpose: Set a clear purpose for your team meeting. What do you want your team to get out of the time spent together? Do you want them to stay informed about larger topics in the organization? Get to know each other and their respective work better? Whether you are rebooting a long standing meeting or you are a new leader of a team gearing up for your first routine meeting, talk with your team members about what they want out of the session. This time is much more about their needs than yours, so align the purpose with their needs. A fun way to get this dialogue going is to ask each team member to complete this sentence: “My favorite meeting of the week is my manager’s team meeting because……” What would they say?

Agenda: I am a firm believer that if a meeting is important enough to have, it should have a time-boxed agenda and always be followed up with notes and action items (“AIs”). Protips on setting the agenda:

  1. As the team leader, you should solicit 1-2 “hot” topics per meeting from your team. I recommend you do this no more and no less than 48 hours before it is scheduled so ideas are timely and content is fresh. Topics should not be tactical – that’s what stand-ups and 1:1s are for. Instead, focus on strategic discussions and information sharing. On the latter, do not make it a status reporting meeting. Information sharing could be a product demo, or draft of a presentation someone is preparing for a conference or a preview of a big announcement to solicit feedback before it goes out.
  2. Always send the agenda for the meeting 24 hours in advance. This sets expectations and ensures no surprises and attendees are well prepared.
  3. Prepping for the meeting should take less than 15 minutes. Solicit agenda items – prepare agenda – communicate agenda. Long slide decks and spreadsheets created just FOR the meeting is a total waste of time. If those materials already exist and can add value to the discussion, then owners of said content should A) share these materials ahead of the meeting for pre-reading and B) bring said materials with them and be prepared to share them at the meeting.
  4. Lead by example for your team and read all materials sent in advance before the meeting. If you have not read them, no one else will and again, you’re wasting people’s time. If you’re prepared, everyone else will be prepared.
  5. Finally, always carve out 10 minutes at the end of the agenda to take a pulse on your team. My method is “share thumbs at one”. Three, two, one and on one have everyone in the meeting give a thumbs up, down or sideways. I do a quick read of the room and video screens to gauge if we’re trending in a particular direction and, if so, take time to discuss. People feeling really up? Share why! People feeling down? How can we work together to make things better? This simple, transparent, way of sharing how the team is feeling is a great way for you to lead and for them to support each other. I also find doing this at the end vs. the start of a meeting tends to be a better read because no one is bringing the stress from a prior meeting into their pulse check.

Meeting Engagement: No one wants to listen to a monologue at the team meeting and no one wants to be in a meeting with other people who are checked out. Several protips to avoid this:

  1. Ask 1-2 members of your team to take the lead on the hot topics in each meeting. They do not need to be the experts on the topic, just the topic leader. This includes having them facilitate getting pre-reads to team members ahead of the meeting. The more they have ownership in a topic, the more engaged they’ll be.
  2. The team’s leader should not speak more than ⅓ of the time throughout the meeting. Other than updating your team about broad company topics, your job is to facilitate the discussion and LISTEN. If you’re a bad facilitator (not every leader’s strong suit), then appoint or bring someone in to facilitate. I’ve seen everything from EAs and HR leaders to program managers serve as facilitators of meetings – they keep the meeting on topic, on time and pay attention to the room. I don’t recommend one of your team members be the facilitator – they are there as an engaged participant, only.
  3. READ THE ROOM. Are people reading their email, checked out on a remote phone or video line or rolling their eyes at each other (visibly or under the table on their cells via text…)? Pay attention to what’s happening in the meeting and pause if you see this kind of behavior. If you’re losing people, you’re wasting everyone’s time and you’re costing the company money. (do the math, the average team meeting can cost a company thousands of dollars every week!). Tell people to put their phones or laptops away if they are checked out. Ask people called in remotely if they have anything to add to the conversation. Pull them in. If the topic is falling flat, be direct and ask why or solicit suggestions on how to make it more engaging. E.g., budget discussions are rarely engaging so even a simple “bare with me as we get through this” can go a long way.
  4. Have fun! It’s great to start a meeting with a funny anecdote or personal story to wake up the room. Maybe someone on your team has a good customer story or had someone on their team get a “win” worth sharing. Perhaps you have a fun personal story to share that shows your human side. Keep it light where you can, but serious during some of the tougher topics (budget, staffing, etc.). This fortifies the culture of your team both inside and outside of the meeting.

Tactical Stuff: When you meet and who goes to the meeting is just as important as the agenda and the content. Protips:

  1. Timing: Got a distributed team in multiple timezones? Find a time that’s mutually convenient for all team members. Do you find the meetings always run over? Schedule it for an extra 30 minutes and if it ends early, everyone gets time back – you’re a hero. Does the team have family responsibilities in the morning or after work? Don’t schedule the meeting such that it disrupts their lives outside of work (if it can be avoided). I also generally discourage team meetings on Mondays (frequent holidays/long weekends means rescheduling or skipping too often) and Fridays (long weekends and if hard topics, no time to debrief/process offline before the weekend).
  2. Decision making: If a meeting has >8 people attending, it is an “information sharing” meeting. Less than that, and decisions can be made at the meeting. If you have a team greater than 8 people, tee up decision topics for discussion and, unless it’s a layup, take the actual decision off line. Otherwise, there are “too many cooks”.
  3. Assign and rotate a note taker at every meeting. You and/or the facilitator cannot read the room and take notes at the same time. Further, by rotating the role across your team, you foster engagement and get fresh perspectives on the meetings each time. Notes should be distributed no later than 24 hours after the meeting while things are fresh. Always call out AIs with owners and deadlines in the notes.
  4. Guests: An agenda should always build in intros for guests and should be time-boxed for cameos. For example, if the head of HR is a guest at your meeting to talk through the next review cycle with your team, the team should know that person will be there and why. Further, unless there’s scheduling trickiness, have guests come at the start or end of the meeting so as not to disrupt the meeting with people coming and going throughout. My personal preference is guests at the start. Then we get into our regular routine.

Most important, don’t set it and forget it. If you do change things up, be clear on why you’re doing it and give it time to settle. Starting or overhauling your meeting process won’t necessarily show positive results the very next meeting and changing it too often will not only cause unrest with your team, but can create distrust if the rules of engagement keep changing. Have at least 4-6 meetings for a new routine to set in and then evaluate whether the changes are effective and adjust as needed. Solicit feedback from your team regularly too – after all, it’s their meeting!

Do you run a kick ass team meeting? Or, do you have ideas on how to improve the team meetings you attend? Share your protips in the comments!

What Made You, You

Let’s face it, last year was rough. Rough for our country, rough for story tellers exposing the truths no one wanted to hear and rough for the world we live in as we continue to face climate change, war, poverty, etc. Not to mention suffering through several tough Mercury in retrograde transitions! I had a particularly challenging year myself – personally and professionally – and was ecstatic to put 2017 behind me.

But just like our current president is SO BAD that our country is working towards finding its democratic voice again, and the stories that have been told (and will continue to be told #metoo) are teaching us to listen and act, we each face challenges that can transform who we are. These challenges inevitably make us, us – good, bad or perhaps just more enlightened. This became very apparent to me in 2017.

What made me, me….

Just over a year ago, a work colleague and I were hanging out in the office chatting about life. It was pretty routine for us to wrap up an intense week by unwinding with a short glass of whiskey and story telling. It was a great way for us to continue to foster the strong working relationship we had developed. After over a year of this routine, we had gotten to know each other pretty well and trusted each other to tell some very personal stories about our lives, families and hopes of the future.

That particular evening, I shared a story about something I experienced at a retreat I had recently attended. I won’t get into all the details about the experience, but the short story was that during one of the group sessions at the retreat, I had decided to let go of a toxic relationship with someone in my immediate family(*). I have always carried guilt, sadness and anger about that relationship  – hoping some day it would be different, but knowing in my soul that it would never be what I hoped for nor could I forgive for things said and done. The exercise at the retreat was to let go of something that no longer served us. At that time, I felt that the relationship with that family member no longer served me. (there was a burning ceremony…. it was super intense…)

I shared that experience with my colleague and his immediate response was “you must forgive that person and maintain that relationship because they made you, you.”. I was a little annoyed with that response because I was so damn proud of myself for letting go of a bad relationship that no longer served me, but he continued to push me to consider how even the negative aspects of that relationship undoubtedly had a positive impact on me (motivated me to improve my relationships with other members of my family, developed some of my better traits which were the weaker traits of this family member, etc.). It was pretty profound and hard to argue with.

Even though the conversation that evening was very impactful, it didn’t immediately change my mind and cause me to call the family member up the next day to forgive them. However, the conversation stuck with me. That person, no matter how toxic the relationship was, made me, me. It’s been echoing in my head ever since that conversation with my colleague.

In the past few months, I have created some space in my life to allow me to revisit this topic and consider how this family member made me, me. I have been made aware from other family members that this family member is suffering from age-related health and financial issues and lacks a good support system. They live in a subsidized housing facility with very little access to in-house services or transportation for services elsewhere. While I don’t have unlimited resources, I decided I could help this person have a more comfortable end of life then they would otherwise enjoy. It’s been a huge emotional leap for me to move forward and have compassion for this person and appreciate how they contributed to making me, me. I have also done some family research to develop a deeper understanding of what made them, them and have far more empathy for this person than I have ever had.

We’ve still got a ways to go to figure out how to forge a better, more positive, relationship, but I am confident I am moving in the right direction and both of us will be better for it. I am helping to arrange for better housing and services, helping them with health issues (driving to MD appointments, etc.) and I have started to reengage them in my own family’s lives. This, by the way, is also a huge opportunity to serve as a role model for my kids who are keenly aware of the hardships I endured with this family member. It is healthy to forgive.

I am not suggesting you should maintain a relationship with everyone in your life who made you, you. There are certainly some people in your life who truly put you at emotional and/or physical risk and regardless of whether they made you, you, may not be appropriate to restart or be in a relationship with. In my case, there was abuse in the past, but because it was family and I know how to establish boundaries, this one was safe.

So despite everything, I found my silver lining in 2017 and 2018 is looking good! To the colleague who pushed me on this (you know who you are!), thank you. I am forever grateful for having the time and the means to revisit this relationship and make things better while there is still time.

(*) Intentionally keeping this family member generic to protect their privacy.

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Do you have less than positive life experiences that have made you stronger or give more positive experiences to others? Who made you, you? Please share in the comments!