What Made You, You

Let’s face it, last year was rough. Rough for our country, rough for story tellers exposing the truths no one wanted to hear and rough for the world we live in as we continue to face climate change, war, poverty, etc. Not to mention suffering through several tough Mercury in retrograde transitions! I had a particularly challenging year myself – personally and professionally – and was ecstatic to put 2017 behind me.

But just like our current president is SO BAD that our country is working towards finding its democratic voice again, and the stories that have been told (and will continue to be told #metoo) are teaching us to listen and act, we each face challenges that can transform who we are. These challenges inevitably make us, us – good, bad or perhaps just more enlightened. This became very apparent to me in 2017.

What made me, me….

Just over a year ago, a work colleague and I were hanging out in the office chatting about life. It was pretty routine for us to wrap up an intense week by unwinding with a short glass of whiskey and story telling. It was a great way for us to continue to foster the strong working relationship we had developed. After over a year of this routine, we had gotten to know each other pretty well and trusted each other to tell some very personal stories about our lives, families and hopes of the future.

That particular evening, I shared a story about something I experienced at a retreat I had recently attended. I won’t get into all the details about the experience, but the short story was that during one of the group sessions at the retreat, I had decided to let go of a toxic relationship with someone in my immediate family(*). I have always carried guilt, sadness and anger about that relationship  – hoping some day it would be different, but knowing in my soul that it would never be what I hoped for nor could I forgive for things said and done. The exercise at the retreat was to let go of something that no longer served us. At that time, I felt that the relationship with that family member no longer served me. (there was a burning ceremony…. it was super intense…)

I shared that experience with my colleague and his immediate response was “you must forgive that person and maintain that relationship because they made you, you.”. I was a little annoyed with that response because I was so damn proud of myself for letting go of a bad relationship that no longer served me, but he continued to push me to consider how even the negative aspects of that relationship undoubtedly had a positive impact on me (motivated me to improve my relationships with other members of my family, developed some of my better traits which were the weaker traits of this family member, etc.). It was pretty profound and hard to argue with.

Even though the conversation that evening was very impactful, it didn’t immediately change my mind and cause me to call the family member up the next day to forgive them. However, the conversation stuck with me. That person, no matter how toxic the relationship was, made me, me. It’s been echoing in my head ever since that conversation with my colleague.

In the past few months, I have created some space in my life to allow me to revisit this topic and consider how this family member made me, me. I have been made aware from other family members that this family member is suffering from age-related health and financial issues and lacks a good support system. They live in a subsidized housing facility with very little access to in-house services or transportation for services elsewhere. While I don’t have unlimited resources, I decided I could help this person have a more comfortable end of life then they would otherwise enjoy. It’s been a huge emotional leap for me to move forward and have compassion for this person and appreciate how they contributed to making me, me. I have also done some family research to develop a deeper understanding of what made them, them and have far more empathy for this person than I have ever had.

We’ve still got a ways to go to figure out how to forge a better, more positive, relationship, but I am confident I am moving in the right direction and both of us will be better for it. I am helping to arrange for better housing and services, helping them with health issues (driving to MD appointments, etc.) and I have started to reengage them in my own family’s lives. This, by the way, is also a huge opportunity to serve as a role model for my kids who are keenly aware of the hardships I endured with this family member. It is healthy to forgive.

I am not suggesting you should maintain a relationship with everyone in your life who made you, you. There are certainly some people in your life who truly put you at emotional and/or physical risk and regardless of whether they made you, you, may not be appropriate to restart or be in a relationship with. In my case, there was abuse in the past, but because it was family and I know how to establish boundaries, this one was safe.

So despite everything, I found my silver lining in 2017 and 2018 is looking good! To the colleague who pushed me on this (you know who you are!), thank you. I am forever grateful for having the time and the means to revisit this relationship and make things better while there is still time.

(*) Intentionally keeping this family member generic to protect their privacy.

***

Do you have less than positive life experiences that have made you stronger or give more positive experiences to others? Who made you, you? Please share in the comments!

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